Dear Reader,
I wish I could tell you I’ve been writing. I wish I could say, this is one draft of many that has made it to the market. And I could, if I were talking about writing academically and not writing for the art. I’ve boned and fleshed out my masters thesis proposal. In the act, I’ve become quite obsessed with my research topic. I realized it today actually.
I was in an Uber on the way to the Library and I was asked what am I studying. I proudly stated my department and the conversation flowed like honey. It was tranquil, to engage with a member of the public on this topic and have them passionately respond, sharing their own contributions to the discourse. I told her, it is exactly the sort of subject that allows you do to good, in the now. That our research courses prepare us to go into the field and execute research that has an impact on the population we are serving. I couldn’t see myself studying anything else, any other way. I love anthropology for that reason. I get to hand a microphone to a person who was never invited to the meeting. And in my research topic specifically, perhaps they never knew there was a meeting at all.
I’m not here to convince you to become an anthropologist, but if you did, I’m sure it would do some good. And because I want this blog post to reflect the times, can we note how horrifying the political climate is right now. I mean dare I even say climate instead of violence. I mean, even now I am concerned with the collection of words I piece here in describing things as they are. But, I do want to add a contextual positive that is, I’ve noticed on campus, there is an entirely new demographic the philosophical studies than I witnessed five years ago. And, I mean this in a way that there are people who once lacked the awareness to ask questions about the nature of the world that now are. And they are passionate. I once said that philosophy classes should be mandatory, but I find, today, the mandate is there, not because of force but because of inquiry.
I do also want to say, I am enjoying watching legacy media people create their own independent platforms on social media sites and YouTube. I think it says a lot about the person who is in the media for the sake of the media and the love of truth. I believe there are a lot of public personalities we would enjoy to hear more from, not just newscasters but even celebrities. I believe if they hired teams to create a show around them for the consumption of their fans instead of waiting to be selected to be in a project their bases would grow more. I think it's time the world realizes the public, the fans, fund the business. And, if you bring us your business we will fund you. And there are a lot of figures who have what the fans want, they just hide and wait to be called on… or I'm sure there are some contractual elements to it, but now, more than ever, the people are seeking connection and if you are a person who is who they say they are, this will only grow in your favor.
But I have suspicions that many of these public figures don’t have the acting skills to be what they appear to be in short form, long enough to connect to the fans. And I really hate that for them, if that is their case. But, I will say, people are not desiring perfection, no one worth listening to pretends to be perfect. We are all flawed and at times, it is healing to be reminded that its universal, no matter the differences.
And it is true too, that singers should sing, writers should write, not everyone can do everything well, but I do believe that it is possible to learn anything and become good at it, there are just somethings we are talented at.
And speaking of talent, today, I started to remember the days when my Youtube content was all free flowing form, every word I said in a video just came as a stream of consciousness. And I think of myself now and how difficult I feel that would be. That in my growing in age, I have come to value the ability to sit with my thoughts to find the right words to communicate exactly what I mean. To read over potential misinterpretations or my own misconceptions and to be so sure that I’ve tried everything else and these are the best together. I find I have viewed my proposal in the later and decided that I mean something total different than what I began with and for that reason I am terrified, mostly of time but also of the limits of my existence.
Brace yourself, as this will take a turn. I find that the act of death is such a provocative act. And I say this because initially, I have and I’ve seen others express, the closeness felt in the beginning of someone’s passing. But, for reference, In the 9 years since my grandfather has passed away, I begin to realize he has moved on. It is provocative, isn't it, that death shuts the door.
The act of moving on and closing a chapter, becoming someone new, with a new life or a new world and a new reality, with new things, that your old life knows nothing about is so, real. Like this happens everyday. For all I know, my ex could be dead too. I mean, the only thing that allows me to know for sure he is still living is that he posts on social media. But imagine a world pre-internet, once someone left the orbit of your eyes, you would never know what has happened to them, unless you or someone else heard from them and passed it on. But same as I’ve stopped hearing from my grandfather over the last 9 years, is there a difference in the ex I haven't heard from in the last 9 years.
What we know is all that we know until the knowing begins to know something more than what was known before. If I don’t know then I won’t know that it isn't possible to know more. But also, it is always possible to know more, even when you don’t know there is more to know.
And that is why I am terrified but equally in awe with time, because it holds us to nothing but what we know. And everything else we believe about what we are held to is an infliction of suffering and pain for absolutely no reason. I mean, I live with the unearthing infliction that there is more I must know to do and to be better than what I currently am. But if time would speak to me, it would say, you know what is known now and that is all there will ever be. That there is a time in which more will arrive and then you will know more.
And even knowing this, it doesn't stop my desire to know more. I mean I believe the wondering aspect of what is no longer in front of you causes this infliction. But that could also be this desire to control what you have access to know. And for that reason, you wonder why you do not know things. Like, I wonder why I do not know what is happening post my grandfather’s death, why is it not possible for me to know? Likewise, why do I not know what my ex is doing, why is it not possible to know?
And if the latter were the question, the next would be, why do you care to know? What does it bring you to know? What are you holding onto that knowing would bring you some sort of realization?
Maybe it is the absence that I seek to destroy, perhaps the visual line of sight would bring me peace, no?
But then I would question the Orientalism of autonomy, that if I sought the constant presence of a person that I would only be objectifying them. That their presence would only signify some sort of symbol to me. That if I were to truly see them as a person and not an object then, I would know to release the desire to contain them to my view.
And what do we say to those people or those systems that desire to contain us, to be in constant know to us, then? Those non-physical molds we place ourselves into, to decide what we should or should not be. Perhaps it is those things that we objectify ourselves into for some sense of self control. And I wonder, without them, what would we truly see ourselves as without being contained, categorized, controlled? What if we stopped desiring to know ourselves so, what If we rid ourselves of “I am” who then would we be?
A no body, no thing.
I have found myself shedding all things I imposed upon myself in youth. These thoughts of what it meant to be beautiful, to me, or happy. Digital discourse often calls attention to the male gaze, as a “thing” women were once taught to dress for. As if we were film in a movie, to have the parts of ourselves be likened for the viewer, so that they may think nice of us. It is the same concept I am shedding, gazes but of my own desires for what they were. The process has been a mixture of revelation but also release because I have come to realize the pressure was only on myself. And those standards held myself only to my own measure.
Those concepts I used to measure my sense of self worth ceased when I told them to. When I stopped believing things mattered, they did. And the funny thing about it is, that no one around me noticed, that there was never a difference in the outward sense of direction. The opposite side of my own shallowness was realness. And reality did not hold me hostage to my own sense of self. Reality only met me exactly were I was. And I would like to say I then questioned what was the fear for anyway, but I never arrived there. I only continued to undo.
Judgement really is only self imposed. Fear is the same.
And so, I haven't really been writing because I have been living. And this is the part where I am doing both. I keep wondering as I witness time separate me from things I thought I wanted, if there is anything I actually do what that I am holding myself into some sort of understanding about why I cannot have it. Fear did that to me a lot. And I look at those waves disappear in the distance and I miss them, yes, but because I miss the missed opportunity to be what I wanted to be then, without fear and judgment. Those things steal time from you. And if you’re too busy feeling fear and categorizing yourself then you are missing out on your desires. And one day they will be too far for you to reach them.
But this moment is about solace, not contempt or to sully what is now known. It's an invitation to shed. And today, just so happens to be the final solar eclipse of the year, but is anything actually, ever, final?